Ever since I first took calculus, I have been deeply depressed. Why? Newton invented calculus at 23. I have made no such contribution to world history, and I am 25.
What's Newton got that I don't? I stuck a needle in my eye to see what would happen. I stared at the sun for 10 minutes. I am a shameless self-promoter. I never get tired or pointing out how smart I am. What am I lacking?! Then it hit me.
There hasn't been a massive world-wide plague!! When Newton thought up calculus, he was shut up on a farm in northern England. Oxford had closed on account of the black plague. A massive pandemic is my golden ticket!
Once this bird flu hits, I will finally have my shot at greatness! So Rouche, keep a lid on that Tamiflu! Asia, keep up your piss-poor farming practices! I have a new branch of math to invent.
-Miguel Sanchez 13:42 EST |